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Filmmaker
Melbourne radio joke
This story occurred on Melbourne radio recently.
One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their
spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the
answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.
Last week the competition went like this:
One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their
spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the
answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.
Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Gidday its FOX-FM, do you want to play the game?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?
Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes
Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one
Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line,say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question.
How long did it go for Sharelle?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question.
Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the arse!
Instant Radio Silence. Advert.
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.
Chess in seventeenth century
In the Seventeenth Century Chess flourished mostly in Italy, which consequently produced the strongest players. Some of them traveled throughout Europe, challenging the best players of the other countries and for the most part emerging victorious. At that time Chess was in high esteem, especially at the courts of the kings who followed the example of Philip the Second of Spain in honoring the traveling masters and rewarding them liberally for their exhibition matches. Towards the beginning of the Eighteenth Century the game reached a high stage of development in France, England and Germany. The most famous master of the time was the Frenchman, Andre Philidor, who for more than forty years easily maintained his supremacy over all players with whom he came in contact, and whose fame has evolved. Since then, he has been equaled only by the American Champion, Paul Morphy, and by the German, Emanuel Lasker. During the Eighteenth and Nineteenth Centuries the number of players who obtained international fame increased rapidly, and in 1851, due to the efforts of the English Champion Staunton, an international tournament was held in London to determine the championship of Europe. It was won by the German master Anderssen, who maintained his leading place for the following fifteen years, until he was beaten by the youthful Morphy. The latter, at twenty years of age, was the first American master to visit Europe and defeated in brilliant style all European masters whom he met. Morphy withdrew from the game after his return to America and did not try to match himself with the Bohemian Steinitz, who in the meantime had beaten Anderssen, too, and who had come to America.
Newly weds joke
A 75-year-old tycoon and his 22-year-old bride were on their way from the wedding reception to the honeymoon suite at the Plaza.
Suddenly he had a tremendous heart attack.
Paramedics labored furiously over his frail body as the ambulance rushed across town.
The tycoon's pulse remained feeble and erratic, however, one of the medics turned to the young bride.
"How about giving your husband a few words of encouragement?
I think he could use them," he suggested.
"Okay," she agreed with a shrug, leaning toward the stretcher.
"Honey, I hope you perk up real fast.
I'm so horny I'm ready to hop on one of these cute guys in white."
Suddenly he had a tremendous heart attack.
Paramedics labored furiously over his frail body as the ambulance rushed across town.
The tycoon's pulse remained feeble and erratic, however, one of the medics turned to the young bride.
"How about giving your husband a few words of encouragement?
I think he could use them," he suggested.
"Okay," she agreed with a shrug, leaning toward the stretcher.
"Honey, I hope you perk up real fast.
I'm so horny I'm ready to hop on one of these cute guys in white."
Imaging and radio acquisition (propeller)
Sampling data using the conventional Cartesian technique, with line-by-line sampling of k-space, results in artifacts associated with phase and frequency encoding. Chemical shift results in artifact in the frequency-encoded direction, and motion results in artifact in the phase-encoded direction. Other methods that sample the central and peripheral regions of k-space simultaneously, rather than sequentially in a grid, radio acquisition can reduce these artifacts. Other patterns or trajectories of k-space sampling include radial, spiral, and PROPELLER imaging. PROPELLER fast spin-echo is a radial k-space filling technique. A range of ultra-low-resolution images are acquired, one per repetition time, with as many phase-encoding steps as echoes in the echo train length (ETL). Each of these scans corresponds to a different rotational direction within the scan plane. Since the data are collected in a series of rectangular strips, serially rotating around central k-space, central k-space is repeatedly sampled. The data set looks like a freeze-frame photograph of a rotating propeller, with the hub located in the center of k-space. Data reconstruction then combines these different data collections in the image domain and corrects or even rejects (based on relative phase information) data acquisitions that are degraded by motion. The resulting final image is relatively free of motion artifact imaging and radio acquisition. Also, of particular benefit to musculoskeletal imaging, radial scanning produces fully isotropic in-plane resolution with no frequency and phase direction. Consequently, chemical shift radio acquisition and pulsatile flow artifacts are diffused across the whole image plane, so these artifacts are far less discernible than with Cartesian imaging
Nursing Joke
A man received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, extremely rude
The man tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse.
He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and exceedingly rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, he put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.
The man was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto the man's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to improve my behavior."
The man was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "...May I ask what the chicken did?"
The man tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse.
He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and exceedingly rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, he put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.
The man was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto the man's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to improve my behavior."
The man was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "...May I ask what the chicken did?"
WRONG BROTHER
A wealthy gentleman has a brother who is hard of hearing, while he himself is remarkable for having a very prominent nose.
Once, this gentleman dined at a friend's house, where he sat between two young ladies who talked to him very loudly, rather to his annoyance.
Finally one of them shouted a commonplace remark and then said in an ordinary tone to the other:
"Did you ever see such an ugly nose?"
"Pardon me, ladies," said the gentleman. "It is my brother who is deaf."
Once, this gentleman dined at a friend's house, where he sat between two young ladies who talked to him very loudly, rather to his annoyance.
Finally one of them shouted a commonplace remark and then said in an ordinary tone to the other:
"Did you ever see such an ugly nose?"
"Pardon me, ladies," said the gentleman. "It is my brother who is deaf."
Adam and Eve joke
Eve was talking with God in the Garden of Eden, and she said, "God I have a problem. It's a beautiful garden, but I'm lonely and I'm sick of eating apples."
"Okay. I'll create a man for you."
"What's a man?" "He's a creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego who doesn't listen and gets lost a lot, but he's big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals and he's fun in bed."
"Sounds great!"
"There's just one other thing. He's going to want to believe I made him first."
"Okay. I'll create a man for you."
"What's a man?" "He's a creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego who doesn't listen and gets lost a lot, but he's big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals and he's fun in bed."
"Sounds great!"
"There's just one other thing. He's going to want to believe I made him first."
Adam and Eve joke
Eve was talking with God in the Garden of Eden, and she said, "God I have a problem. It's a beautiful garden, but I'm lonely and I'm sick of eating apples."
"Okay. I'll create a man for you."
"What's a man?" "He's a creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego who doesn't listen and gets lost a lot, but he's big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals and he's fun in bed."
"Sounds great!"
"There's just one other thing. He's going to want to believe I made him first."
"Okay. I'll create a man for you."
"What's a man?" "He's a creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego who doesn't listen and gets lost a lot, but he's big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals and he's fun in bed."
"Sounds great!"
"There's just one other thing. He's going to want to believe I made him first."
Chess tricks and useful tactics
Thus, Chess serves a good purpose for young and old. The boy will find it a fascinating pastime and, unconsciously sharpening his wits in playing the game, will acquire a fine preparation for his calling in life, no matter what it may be. For the man and the woman too, Chess is well worth learning, as it will prove the best companion in hours of leisure. The reason why many people hesitate to learn the game and to teach it to their children is that Chess has been misrepresented as a game which is very difficult to master. This false impression has been created mainly by the wrong methods of teaching usually employed. The majority of writers on Chess deal with a maze of variations and they expect the reader to memorize the moves with which to parry the maneuvers of the opponent, instead of simply developing a few common sense principles which are easy to grasp and perfectly sufficient to make a good player of any one. This is really the great advantage of the game of Chess over any other board game that it lends itself to the application of general principles, so that any one can grasp and enjoy it without memorizing more than the rules according to which the men move. I have tried to develop these principles in a simple way so that they are sure to be easily understood, and I have been greatly aided in my task by Miss Helen Dvorak and Mr. Eugene Fuller, who, without any previous knowledge of the game, have learned it in reading this article. They have given me many valuable hints in pointing out all that did not seem readily intelligible to the mind of the beginner. In explaining the game of Checkers, to which the second part of the book is devoted, I have also tried to develop general principles of strategy, rather than to offer a mere classification of analyzed lines of play, which the reader would have to memorize in order to be able to compete with experts. I was fortunate enough to secure the collaboration of the Checker Champion, Alfred Jordan, who enthusiastically adopted the new idea of teaching and furnished most of the material which I have used in illustrating the vital points of the game.
Lawyer, Doctor joke
A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain.
The doctor then asked, "What type of brain do you want?"
"What type?" the woman asked.
"Yes," replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference in price.
For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on.
"Can you give me a one-pound lawyer's brain? Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney."
"That's $250,000," the doctor replied.
"Why so much? the woman asked. "That's over four times what a surgeon's brain costs."
"Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain?" the doctor replied
The doctor then asked, "What type of brain do you want?"
"What type?" the woman asked.
"Yes," replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference in price.
For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on.
"Can you give me a one-pound lawyer's brain? Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney."
"That's $250,000," the doctor replied.
"Why so much? the woman asked. "That's over four times what a surgeon's brain costs."
"Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain?" the doctor replied
Why Microsoft shouldn't make cars
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy
more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that's powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy
more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that's powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
Using gadget in medical field
Conventional MR studies are acquired by the serial application of encoding gradients across the field of view (FOV) using a single radiofrequency (RF) coil. The resulting signals received by the RF coil provide data corresponding to the spatial frequency or Fourier components of the object being imaged. Each component of the data, one of a large number of sinusoidal intensity oscillations with specific spatial frequencies, is associated with a particular point in k-space. The central region of k-space, consisting of low-spatial-frequency data, contains information about the gross structure and contrast of an image, most of the information required to produce an MR image. The peripheral portion of k-space, consisting of high-spatial-frequency data, contains information about image detail. Data is usually acquired in a 2D or 3D Cartesian rectangular grid in k-space, moving from one end of k-space to the other, collecting data in sequential parallel lines. An additional line of k-space data in the frequency-encoding direction is serially collected during each acquisition, while sequential lines in the phase-encoding direction are acquired at regular intervals.
Technical Advances in Musculoskeletal Imaging
Musculoskeletal MR imaging presents unique technological challenges. Although peripheral joints offer intrinsic rich soft tissue contrast the anatomy is often complex, with small structures, many of which course in oblique planes. High-resolution imaging of the small-scale anatomy of menisci, labra, carpal bones, and articular cartilage demand 2D multislice sequences with in-plane resolution of at least 0.5 mm (preferably 0.2 to 0.3 mm), with a slice thickness of 1 to 3 mm .The many soft tissue interfaces inherent to musculoskeletal anatomy and morphology also present challenges to successful imaging. Changes in magnetic susceptibility can occur at the interfaces between cartilage, cortical bone, and bone marrow. Therefore the Musculoskeletal Imaging whose Technical Advances, when placed in a magnetic field, these interfaces generate abrupt changes in local magnetic field gradients, creating a faster signal decay due to spin-spin dephasing (T2*). In addition, patients may have metallic prostheses or postsurgical metallic debris, which produce additional magnetic susceptibility artifacts.Fat, both in subcutaneous tissues and bone mar row, may also present imaging problems. The hyperintense signal of fat on conventional T1-weighted and proton density-weighted sequences can ob scure underlying pathology. In addition, at fat-water in terfaces, there may be a chemical shift artifact that degrades images. Finally, musculoskeletal soft tis sues have relatively short T2 relaxation times due to their highly organized molecular structure in fiber networks. The T2 relaxation of tendons and ligaments is in the range of a few milliseconds (msec) Technical Advances; that of cartilage is 10 to 30 msec. These structures also show a significant variation in T2 relaxation based on their physical orientation to the main magnetic field. When fibers form an angle of 55 degrees from the main magnetic field, T2 time be comes longer, generating a hyperintense signal.
REALITY joke
A man, who is the father of a year-old youngster, met his pastor on Sunday afternoon.
"Why weren't you at church this morning?" was the first question of the spiritual adviser.
"I couldn't come," was the answer. "I had to stop at home and mind the baby; our nurse is ill."
[Pg 332]
"That's no excuse," said the pastor.
"It isn't? Well, next Sunday I'll bring him to church with me and see how you like it."
"Why weren't you at church this morning?" was the first question of the spiritual adviser.
"I couldn't come," was the answer. "I had to stop at home and mind the baby; our nurse is ill."
[Pg 332]
"That's no excuse," said the pastor.
"It isn't? Well, next Sunday I'll bring him to church with me and see how you like it."
Best reasons
Pays better than fast food, though the hours aren't as good.
Fashionable shoes & sexy white uniforms.
Needles: It's better to give than to receive.
Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops....eventually.
Expose yourself to rare, exotic, & exciting new diseases.
Interesting aromas.
Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
Celebrate the holidays with all your friends.....at work.
Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.
Courteous & infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.
Fashionable shoes & sexy white uniforms.
Needles: It's better to give than to receive.
Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops....eventually.
Expose yourself to rare, exotic, & exciting new diseases.
Interesting aromas.
Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
Celebrate the holidays with all your friends.....at work.
Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.
Courteous & infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.
psychiatric jokes
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
The second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
"Well Doc, I can't swim!"
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
The second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
"Well Doc, I can't swim!"
Chess, game of logics (as in real war)
The troops are first mobilized and made ready for action with utmost speed, then important positions are occupied which give the troops freedom of action and insure safe lines of retreat and, finally, when the formation of the enemy is known, the strategic plan is made which the generals try to carry out by means of different tactical maneuvers. Considering this similarity of Chess and war it is not surprising that Chess has gained greatly in popularity among all those whose work or thought is more than superficially influenced by the present war. No special inducement, however, would be necessary to learn the game, were it more generally known that great advantage is to be derived from the study of Chess, quite apart from the cultivation of strategic ability. The faculty which is developed by playing Chess is useful wherever logical thinking and concentration are needed, and it cannot be denied that these qualities are most desirable in the every day struggle in which mental work has so largely superseded manual labor. The thoughtful playing of the game not only cultivates the logical quality and imaginative power of the mind but also tends to develop strength of character. It teaches us not to be hasty in our decisions, but to exercise foresight at all times as we must abide by all consequences of our actions. Moreover, we learn from it circumspection which causes us to survey the whole scene of action and does not allow us to lose ourselves in detail; we also learn not to be discouraged by reverses in our affairs but to hold out and always search for fresh resources.
Divorce joke
A guy slices his ball in the woods and goes in to look for it. He meets a girl from the next fairway looking for her ball. They start to chat and have a wonderful little conversation. She suddenly says to him, " You know... you look like my third husband. "He says, "Oh yeah?", and then asks her how many times she's been married. "Twice," she replies.
Health Joke
You Might Have Estrogen Issues If . . . . . .
Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-."
Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-."
Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
Hilarious Doctor Jokes
These are all GENUINE replies from patients asked why they needed an ambulance to and from hospital...
=> I am under the doctor and cannot breathe.
=> I can't walk to the bus stop and my wife is bent.
=> I can't breathe and haven't done so for many years.
=> I want transport as bus drivers do funny things to me and make me feel queer.
=> I am blind in one eye and my leg.
=> I live five miles from the hospital and the postman says I should have it.
=> I have got arthritis and heart failure in both feet and knees.
=> I must have a man as I cannot go out or do up my suspenders.
=> I cannot walk up a hill unless it is down and the hill to the hospital is up.
=> My husband is dead and will not bring me.
=> I cannot drive a car as I have not got one.
=> I hope you will send a man as my husband is quite useless.
=> I can come at any time to suit you, but not mornings as I don't feel too good. I can't come on Mondays or Wednesdays as the home help comes, and not on Fridays as the baker calls for his money. I can't come on Tuesdays as my sister calls.
=> I am under the doctor and cannot breathe.
=> I can't walk to the bus stop and my wife is bent.
=> I can't breathe and haven't done so for many years.
=> I want transport as bus drivers do funny things to me and make me feel queer.
=> I am blind in one eye and my leg.
=> I live five miles from the hospital and the postman says I should have it.
=> I have got arthritis and heart failure in both feet and knees.
=> I must have a man as I cannot go out or do up my suspenders.
=> I cannot walk up a hill unless it is down and the hill to the hospital is up.
=> My husband is dead and will not bring me.
=> I cannot drive a car as I have not got one.
=> I hope you will send a man as my husband is quite useless.
=> I can come at any time to suit you, but not mornings as I don't feel too good. I can't come on Mondays or Wednesdays as the home help comes, and not on Fridays as the baker calls for his money. I can't come on Tuesdays as my sister calls.
Forbidden love JOKE
They were alone in the house. It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come up quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.
She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance. She wished he would take her in his arms, comfort her, protect her from the storm, she wanted that....
Then the power went out. She screamed. He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He did not hesitate to pull her into his arms.
He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.
The storm raged on, as did their growing passion.... There came a moment when each knew they had to be together.
They knew it was wrong... their families would not understand ... but... so consumed in their passion, they didn't hear the door open... the click of the light switch ... the power was back on, and.............
CAUGHT..........
She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance. She wished he would take her in his arms, comfort her, protect her from the storm, she wanted that....
Then the power went out. She screamed. He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He did not hesitate to pull her into his arms.
He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.
The storm raged on, as did their growing passion.... There came a moment when each knew they had to be together.
They knew it was wrong... their families would not understand ... but... so consumed in their passion, they didn't hear the door open... the click of the light switch ... the power was back on, and.............
CAUGHT..........
Be Careful - How You Handle Ethernet Cables
The RJ-45 modular connectors you find on 10/100Base-T Ethernet cables are potential static electricity problems. If you have one end plugged into a computer or switch, but the other end isn’t connected, that open end is a direct path for static electricity to the sensitive electronics at the other end. The cable jacket is always insulated, so it doesn’t drain away the static charge. However, if you pick up the cable and even brush against the exposed contacts, any built-up charge goes straight down the cable. We’ve seen many switch ports fail from just this sort of accident, so pay attention when you’re connecting and disconnecting Ethernets. We’re well aware that millions of people have opened their PCs, inserted or removed components, closed them up, and had nothing untoward happen (or, latent damage being what it is, nothing happen right then). Nevertheless, we’re not making this up, and we’re not alone in what we say. Consider the following:
1.) Intel advises its customers about ESD at www.intel.com/design/packtech/ch_06.pdf
(among others; search the Intel Web site for ESD).
2.) Gateway Computers warns about ESD and offers guidelines on how to prevent damage at
support.gateway.com/s/Mobile/SHARED/SoloESD.shtml.
3.) The United States Marine Corps Aviation Training Branch training on ESD is at www.tecom. usmc.mil/atb/MATMEP/MS%20Word%20Lesson%20guide%20PDF%20files/Lg13.pdf.
4.) NASA provides a general description of their ESD protection requirements at workmanshnasa.gov/lib/insp/2%20books/links/sections/11-01%20General%20Requirements
.html.
5.) www.esda.org/ is the web site of the Electrostatic Discharge Association (ESDA).
Cat and fish joke
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
Short jokes
"Mary," said the mistress, "did you ask every one for cards to-day, as I told you, when they called?"
"Yes'm. One fellow he wouldn't give me no card, but I swiped his hat an' shoved him off th' steps. Here's his name on th' sweat band."
* * *
"He proposed to me last night, mother. What shall I do?"
"But, my dear daughter, you've only known him three weeks."
"I know that, mother, but on the other hand if I delay in accepting him he might find out some things about me he won't like, too."
* * *
"Would you marry a man to reform him?"
"What does he do?"
"He drinks."
"Marry him, girlie, and find out where he gets it. We need him badly in our set."
* * *
"I would like to have a globe of the earth."
"What size, madam?"
"Life-size, of course."
* * *
Wife: "George, is that you?"
George: "Why certainly! Who else you 'shpecting at this timernight?"
* * *
She (tenderly): "And are mine the only lips you have kissed?"
He: "Yes, and they are the sweetest of all."
* * *
Jazz: "My girl told me she weighed 120 the other night."
Beau: "Stripped?"
Jazz: "Yeh; she was in an evening gown."
* * *
Mrs. Newlywed (on her first day's shopping): "I[Pg 362] want two pieces of steak and—and about half a pint of gravy."
* * *
Farmer: "Would you like to buy a jug of cider?"
Tourist: "Well—er—is it ambitious and willing to work?"
* * *
Papa: "Why did you permit young Gaybird to kiss you in the parlor last night?"
Daughter: "Because I was afraid he'd catch cold in the hall."
* * *
"It was a case of love at first sight when I met Jack."
"Then why didn't you marry him?"
"I met him again so often."
* * *
Interviewer: "What sort of girls make the best show-girls?"
Stage Manager: "Those who have the most to show, of course."
* * *
She: "What do you mean by kissing me? What do you mean?"
He: "Er—er—nothing."
She: "Then don't you dare do it again. I won't have any man kissing me unless he means business, d'ye hear?"
* * *
Foreman: "'Ow is it that little feller always carries two planks to your one?"
Laborer: "'Cos 'e's too blinkin' lazy to go back fer the other one."
* * *
Lady (in box): "Can you look over my shoulders?"
Sailor: "I've just been looking over both of them, an' by gosh they are great."
* * *
"How times have changed!"
"Yes?"
"Imagine Rosa Bonheur painting a flock of Ford tractors."
* * *
Sailor Bill: "These New York gals seem to be wearin' sort o' light canvas."
Sailor Dan: "Yes—you seldom see a full-rigged skirt, or anything."
* * *
Tramp: "Would you please 'elp a pore man whose wife is out o' work?"
* * *
"I 'ear your 'usband 'as turned Bolshie."
"Well, not absolootly; but 'e 'as a lenin' that way."
"Yes'm. One fellow he wouldn't give me no card, but I swiped his hat an' shoved him off th' steps. Here's his name on th' sweat band."
* * *
"He proposed to me last night, mother. What shall I do?"
"But, my dear daughter, you've only known him three weeks."
"I know that, mother, but on the other hand if I delay in accepting him he might find out some things about me he won't like, too."
* * *
"Would you marry a man to reform him?"
"What does he do?"
"He drinks."
"Marry him, girlie, and find out where he gets it. We need him badly in our set."
* * *
"I would like to have a globe of the earth."
"What size, madam?"
"Life-size, of course."
* * *
Wife: "George, is that you?"
George: "Why certainly! Who else you 'shpecting at this timernight?"
* * *
She (tenderly): "And are mine the only lips you have kissed?"
He: "Yes, and they are the sweetest of all."
* * *
Jazz: "My girl told me she weighed 120 the other night."
Beau: "Stripped?"
Jazz: "Yeh; she was in an evening gown."
* * *
Mrs. Newlywed (on her first day's shopping): "I[Pg 362] want two pieces of steak and—and about half a pint of gravy."
* * *
Farmer: "Would you like to buy a jug of cider?"
Tourist: "Well—er—is it ambitious and willing to work?"
* * *
Papa: "Why did you permit young Gaybird to kiss you in the parlor last night?"
Daughter: "Because I was afraid he'd catch cold in the hall."
* * *
"It was a case of love at first sight when I met Jack."
"Then why didn't you marry him?"
"I met him again so often."
* * *
Interviewer: "What sort of girls make the best show-girls?"
Stage Manager: "Those who have the most to show, of course."
* * *
She: "What do you mean by kissing me? What do you mean?"
He: "Er—er—nothing."
She: "Then don't you dare do it again. I won't have any man kissing me unless he means business, d'ye hear?"
* * *
Foreman: "'Ow is it that little feller always carries two planks to your one?"
Laborer: "'Cos 'e's too blinkin' lazy to go back fer the other one."
* * *
Lady (in box): "Can you look over my shoulders?"
Sailor: "I've just been looking over both of them, an' by gosh they are great."
* * *
"How times have changed!"
"Yes?"
"Imagine Rosa Bonheur painting a flock of Ford tractors."
* * *
Sailor Bill: "These New York gals seem to be wearin' sort o' light canvas."
Sailor Dan: "Yes—you seldom see a full-rigged skirt, or anything."
* * *
Tramp: "Would you please 'elp a pore man whose wife is out o' work?"
* * *
"I 'ear your 'usband 'as turned Bolshie."
"Well, not absolootly; but 'e 'as a lenin' that way."
2D animation tricks
My best ideas come to me early in the day, before I’ve actually gotten out of bed. That is when I’m in that non sleep world, but not entirely awake either. This twilight world is a perfect place for coming up with clear and original ideas. (Although, unless you write them down immediately, they don’t stay clear for long, and you usually forget them when you’re up and about!) I find that keeping an ideas book next to my bed can work well for these circumstances. You can just scrawl your thoughts down in a few words, keeping your eyes closed if you like, so that you get enough of the thoughts and impressions down before full consciousness eventually obliterates them. I use that technique for problem solving too. Sometimes I’ve worked and worried about a challenge all day, only to go to bed having not resolved it. However, almost miraculously, when going to bed with an expectation of the solution or idea being with me in the morning, it more often th
Stabilization, Color Fixes, Cropping, and Rotating easy in iMovie ’09
Not every piece of video needs fancy effects. In fact, most video is probably better without a Dream filter and Picture-in-Picture. The unadulterated stuff straight from your camera usually looks best. In fact, if your footage needs any help at all, it’s probably in the cameraman department. Don’t take this personally. Handheld shots, the most common kind of home video, are notoriously unstable, and that’s an instant giveaway that you’re an amateur. You can have the hands of a surgeon and still end up with shaky footage. This is true even with all the newfangled image stabilization technology that comes in the latest cameras. Don’t give up (and don’t resort to carrying a tripod everywhere). iMovie ’09 can stabilize your video after the fact, using one of its most amazing new features. That’s not the only way iMovie can fix your footage, either. The Video Adjustments panel lets you make slight or gigantic changes to the brightness, contrast, white balance, saturation, and other image qualities of any clip. For example, if a shot looks too dark and murky, you can bring details out of the shadows without blowing out the highlights. If the snow in a skiing shot looks too bluish, you can de-blue it. If the colors don’t pop quite enough in the prize-winning soccer goal shot, you can boost their saturation levels.
Creating Bootable Movie Images
After you have the video content you want to make into a bootable movie, you need to create an ISO image to later burn to a CD or DVD. You do that with the mkmovixiso command. Here’s an example: # mkmovixiso -t “2005 Vacation” -o movix_vacation.iso movie.avi Your iso image is now in “/home/user/movix/movix_vacation.iso You can safely delete temporary directory /tmp/movix-110602496 In this example, the video content is named movie.avi in the current directory. You can add as many AVI files as will fit on the medium (they will play one after the other, by default). The title (2005 Vacation in this case) is entered after the -t option and is used as the Volume ID tag on the image. The title must be less than 32 characters. The name of the ISO image file follows the -o option (in this case, movix_vacation.iso). The ISO image is created here using many default options. You can see a complete list of options by typing mkmovixiso -h.
Installing Linux and eMoviX Software
To build bootable movies from the descriptions in this chapter, you need to have a basic Linux system and the eMoviX software included on the Linux Toys II CD. The following bullet items describe what software to install to complete this procedure. Install Linux—To create bootable movies, I used Fedora Core 4 as my operating system. If you have Fedora Core 4 installed (as described in Appendix C), you can install the RPM packages made for this project. If you are trying the project from another Linux system, you should install the software for this project from tarballs. Both sets ofsoftware are included on the Linux Toys II CD.
Testing Your Paperclip Antenna
Mounting and Testing Your Paperclip Antenna
Now let’s take this baby out for a spin!
1. After you have soldered the pigtail to the antenna and secured it with tape, connect the pigtail to your wireless card.
2. Mount the antenna and try it out.
3. If you have glued a clothespin or clamp to the wooden platform, you can clip it to various objects, so that the antenna itself is either vertically or horizontally polarized.
4. Position and aim the antenna in search of the strongest signal.
5. Observe (and learn about) the link quality differences with the antenna in each position.
Wireless networking software should come with some program or component used to measure signal strength on your computer. In Windows XP, the Wireless Network Connection Status dialog displays a Signal Strength bar graph. The more green bars that light up in the display, the stronger the signal.
Photographer Technique
Many sports are about confrontation and in-yourface aggression. Shots of competitors involved in face-offs can make great visuals. Similarly, athletes or coaches vehemently disputing an umpire’s decision are good photographic material.These images might depict the less noble aspects of sports, including things such as bad sportsmanship and temper tantrums, but some confrontation shots can be humorous.Who could suppress a grin at a photograph of an irate Little Leaguer glaring up at the umpire with a “How can you call that out?” expression on his or her face? Look for the shots that epitomize camaraderie and encouragement. The coach with an arm around the athlete’s shoulder, giving words of advice or encouragement; players in a huddle, listening to their captain’s final instructions prior to a game; a Little League coach having a heart-to-heart with a youngster about to go to bat.
Mounting an Antenna
Step 1: Preparing Your Wire Prongs
Each radio frequency has a specific wavelength. To function as an antenna, the dipole loop has
to be half the length of that wavelength. Take your needle-nosed pliers and carefully straighten four large paper clips.
Step 2: Preparing Your Antenna Platform
Carefully mark on the wooden platform the five places where the wires of your antenna will be
passing through. See Figure 2-14 for hole spacing for the paperclips. This design is optimally tuned for reception on Wi-Fi Channel 6 (the approximate middle of the frequency band). It will also work on the other Wi-Fi channels. But if you really want to get peak frequencies, paperclip length and distance apart from each other will differ for each channel. Using your hand drill, drill the five holes using a drill bit slightly smaller than the paperclip wires. Platform can
be any length 5.15 cm 5.2 cm 5.35 cm 5.8 cm
Step 3: Creating Your Dipole
Take the longest wire (the one that is 4.52 inches long) and form it to match the template in
Figure 2-15. This template is printed to scale. After bending the paperclip as described here,
lay it on top of this diagram to ensure the correct dimensions
Take your needle-nosed pliers and make a line on the nose at the point where it is 0.16 inches
(4 mm) thick. Clamp the largest wire with the pliers and make a bend that starts 1.3 inches
from one end,. Slowly wrap the paper clip wire around the needle nose, creating a fishhook that
is 0.16 inches wide (4 mm). Carefully press the longest end of the fishhook through the first appropriate hole on your platform.Work the wire into the hole, until the second end comes up to its appropriate hole. Be careful not to snip off the smaller end of the pigtail, which needs to be attached to your laptop wireless card. Strip off about three-fourths of the outer insulating jacket and the inner dielectric insulation surrounding the core conductor. You will need about 1/4 inch of the central core free, to create a soldered connection to one end of the dipole. And you will twist about 3/4 inch of the outer shield into a tight coil in order to solder it to the other end of the dipole.
Step 5: Soldering the Pigtail to the Dipole
Put the bent paperclip dipole in a stable grip, either in a small tabletop vice, or in a pair of vise grips. Don’t touch the paperclip or the solder iron while you work on this, both will be very hot. Be sure to wear eye protection because splattering solder can cause serious eye damage. Also, the solder resin causes some fumes that can damage your lungs, so make sure your workspace is ventilated to avoid any unhealthy buildup of vapors. Carefully solder the core conductor and the shield to either end of the bent dipole radiator Both sides of the paperclip need to be soldered to the pigtail, but they must not touch each other or the antenna will be useless. When you choose a mounting platform, plan ahead to prevent the ends from touching.
Step 6: Securing the Pigtail
Run the pigtail cable alongside the wooden platform (as shown in Figure 2-20). Use small
drops of glue or some tape to fix the first inch of insulation firmly to the wooden platform. Zip ties or plastic bundle-ties also work great. Just don’t use anything made of metal or antenna
characteristics could change. Do not use metal twist-ties to secure the pigtail. Twist-ties are often used to bundle cables together in consumer electronics, especially with wireless networking gear. The metal inside the twist-tie may adversely affect the antenna properties. Use a nonconducting
plastic or glue for best results. This will guarantee that the fragile soldered connections do not need to bear the weight of the antenna, and will help prevent breakage when the antenna is moved relative to the laptop.
Step 7: Inserting the Antenna Elements
Insert the remaining three wires in their appropriate locations as “elements.” The prongs
don’t need to be centered on the platform, but it is best to center them in relationship to
each other. Touch each wire with a drop of glue where it passes through the platform, just to hold
the wires in place.
Real Quick Tips
X-FILES FANS! Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by simply drinking two bottles of vodka. The following morning you will invariably wake up in a strange place, having had your memory mysteriously "erased".
------------------------------------------
IF YOU WIN THE LOTTERY... Buy up every ticket for each night Garth Brooks plays his local gigs. Then stand in the middle of the field, wait for the big turd to finish his first song, then shout "YOU'RE SHIT!" and walk out.
The second night would involve the same thing - after the first song simply shout "YOU'RE STILL SHIT!" and walk out.
------------------------------------------
CLAIRVOYANTS! Instead of booking expensive TV commercials asking people to ring you looking for their horoscopes, show your customers what you're made of by calling them *just* before they pick up the phone.
------------------------------------------
JUDGES! Have a bit of harmless fun with the accused when giving judgment - take out a black hanky and put it on your head.
------------------------------------------
CINEMA-GOERS! Save your time and money by not going to see the Blair Witch Project. Instead, fill a large plastic bag with dry leaves. Then shake the bag while the light is switched off.
------------------------------------------
AIRCRAFT MANUFACTURERS! Why not consider using the material used in the Black Box for the whole plane.
------------------------------------------
POLICE! Arrest that man out walking his dog. He has come across too many dead bodies for our liking.
------------------------------------------
RESTAURANT CUSTOMERS! Tie a tablecloth around your neck and tell the waiter "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
------------------------------------------
PARANOID X-FILE FANS! Make guests believe your flat might be bugged by running your hands under the tables and inside lampshades, then turning on the shower every time you want to speak.
------------------------------------------
BIG MAC EATERS! Transform your garage into a drive-in McDonalds. Simply sit in your car, lower your window and demand that your wife/girlfriend/little sister brings you a cup of coffee, on roller skates.
------------------------------------------
HOME OWNERS! Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on December 26th. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
------------------------------------------
TROUBLE WITH NOSY NEIGHBORS? Convince them that you've just invented a 'SHRINKING' device.
Simply ruffle up your hair, wear a white lab coat and park a bulldozer outside your house for a few days.
Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and secretly replace the bulldozer with a small Dinky/Tonka toy of the same description.
Just watch their faces in the morning!
------------------------------------------
IF YOU WIN THE LOTTERY... Buy up every ticket for each night Garth Brooks plays his local gigs. Then stand in the middle of the field, wait for the big turd to finish his first song, then shout "YOU'RE SHIT!" and walk out.
The second night would involve the same thing - after the first song simply shout "YOU'RE STILL SHIT!" and walk out.
------------------------------------------
CLAIRVOYANTS! Instead of booking expensive TV commercials asking people to ring you looking for their horoscopes, show your customers what you're made of by calling them *just* before they pick up the phone.
------------------------------------------
JUDGES! Have a bit of harmless fun with the accused when giving judgment - take out a black hanky and put it on your head.
------------------------------------------
CINEMA-GOERS! Save your time and money by not going to see the Blair Witch Project. Instead, fill a large plastic bag with dry leaves. Then shake the bag while the light is switched off.
------------------------------------------
AIRCRAFT MANUFACTURERS! Why not consider using the material used in the Black Box for the whole plane.
------------------------------------------
POLICE! Arrest that man out walking his dog. He has come across too many dead bodies for our liking.
------------------------------------------
RESTAURANT CUSTOMERS! Tie a tablecloth around your neck and tell the waiter "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
------------------------------------------
PARANOID X-FILE FANS! Make guests believe your flat might be bugged by running your hands under the tables and inside lampshades, then turning on the shower every time you want to speak.
------------------------------------------
BIG MAC EATERS! Transform your garage into a drive-in McDonalds. Simply sit in your car, lower your window and demand that your wife/girlfriend/little sister brings you a cup of coffee, on roller skates.
------------------------------------------
HOME OWNERS! Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on December 26th. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
------------------------------------------
TROUBLE WITH NOSY NEIGHBORS? Convince them that you've just invented a 'SHRINKING' device.
Simply ruffle up your hair, wear a white lab coat and park a bulldozer outside your house for a few days.
Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and secretly replace the bulldozer with a small Dinky/Tonka toy of the same description.
Just watch their faces in the morning!
Short Cool jokes
A popular Oklahoma City salesman recently married, and was accompanied by his wife as he entered the dining-room of a Texas hotel famed for its excellent cuisine. His order was served promptly, but the fried chicken he had been telling his wife so much about was not in evidence.
"Where is my chicken?" he asked somewhat irritably.
The dusky waiter, leaning over and bringing his mouth in close proximity to the salesman's ear, replied:
"Ef youse mean de li'l gal with blue eyes an' fluffy hair, she doan' wo'k heah no mo'."
* * *
"Do you really believe in heredity?"
"Most certainly I do. That is how I came into all my money."
* * *
An attorney of Los Angeles advertised for a chauffeur. Some twenty-odd responded and were being questioned as to qualifications, efficiency, and whether married or single. Finally, turning to a negro chap, he said:
"How about you, George, are you married?"
Quickly the negro responded: "Naw-sir, boss, naw-sir. Ah makes mah own livin'."
* * *
A boy and his mother were taking in the circus. Looking at the hippopotamus, he said: "Ma, ain't that the ugliest damn thing you ever saw?"
"Bill," said his ma, "didn't I tell you never to say 'ain't.'"
* * *
"Vell, Ikey, my poy," said Sol to his son, "I've made my vill and left it all to you."
"That's very good of you, father," remarked Ike, eyeing him suspiciously. "But, bless you, it cost a lot of money for the lawyer and fees and things!"
"Vell?" said Ike more suspiciously. "Vell, it ain't fair I should pay all dot, is it? So I'll shust take it off from your next month's salary."
* * *
Mr. McNab (after having his lease read over to him): "I will not sign that; I have na' been able tae keep Ten Commandments for a
mansion in Heaven, an' I'm no' gaun tae tackle about a hundred for twa rooms in the High Street."
* * *
"Come, Dorothy," said her father impatiently, "throw your doll on the bed and hurry or we shall be late."
"Daddy, how can you?" reproved the child. "I isn't' that kind of a muvver."
* * *
"You say you doted on your last mistress?"
"Yes, mum. I certainly did."
"Then why did you leave her?"
"We couldn't continue to be friends on my wages, mum."
* * *
"What's the matter with Smith? Got lumbago or spinal curvature or something?"
"No; he has to walk that way to fit some shirts his wife made for him."
* * *
"James, have you whispered to-day without permission?"
"Only wunst."
"Leroy, should James have said wunst?"
"No'm; he should have said twict."
* * *
"It appears to be your record, Mary," said the magistrate, "that you have already been convicted thirty-five times of stealing."
"I guess that's right, your honor," answered Mary. "No woman is perfect."
* * *
"That you, dearie? I'm detained at the office on very important business and I may not be home until late. Don't sit up for me."
"I won't, dearie. You'll come home as early as you can, won't you? And John, dear——"
"Yes; what is it?"
"Please don't draw to any inside straights."
* * *
The City Nephew: "I'm glad to see Aunt Hetty dresses her hair sensibly instead of wearing those silly puffs over the ears."
Uncle Talltimber: "She tried 'em once an' they got tangled up with the telephone receiver an' she missed more'n half the gossip goin' on over our twenty-party line."
* * *
"Ethel," said the bishop, "you seem to be a bright little girl; can you repeat a verse from the Bible?"
"I'll say I can."
"Well, my dear, let us have it."
"The Lord is my shepherd—I should worry."
* * *
Wishing to give his Scotch steward a treat a man invited him to London, and on the night after his arrival took him to a hotel to dine. During the early part of the dinner the steward was noticed to help himself very liberally to the champagne, glass after glass of the wine disappearing. Still he seemed very downhearted and morose. Presently he was heard to remark, "Well, I hope they'll not be very long wi' the whisky, as I dinna get on verra weel wi' these mineral waters."
"Where is my chicken?" he asked somewhat irritably.
The dusky waiter, leaning over and bringing his mouth in close proximity to the salesman's ear, replied:
"Ef youse mean de li'l gal with blue eyes an' fluffy hair, she doan' wo'k heah no mo'."
* * *
"Do you really believe in heredity?"
"Most certainly I do. That is how I came into all my money."
* * *
An attorney of Los Angeles advertised for a chauffeur. Some twenty-odd responded and were being questioned as to qualifications, efficiency, and whether married or single. Finally, turning to a negro chap, he said:
"How about you, George, are you married?"
Quickly the negro responded: "Naw-sir, boss, naw-sir. Ah makes mah own livin'."
* * *
A boy and his mother were taking in the circus. Looking at the hippopotamus, he said: "Ma, ain't that the ugliest damn thing you ever saw?"
"Bill," said his ma, "didn't I tell you never to say 'ain't.'"
* * *
"Vell, Ikey, my poy," said Sol to his son, "I've made my vill and left it all to you."
"That's very good of you, father," remarked Ike, eyeing him suspiciously. "But, bless you, it cost a lot of money for the lawyer and fees and things!"
"Vell?" said Ike more suspiciously. "Vell, it ain't fair I should pay all dot, is it? So I'll shust take it off from your next month's salary."
* * *
Mr. McNab (after having his lease read over to him): "I will not sign that; I have na' been able tae keep Ten Commandments for a
mansion in Heaven, an' I'm no' gaun tae tackle about a hundred for twa rooms in the High Street."
* * *
"Come, Dorothy," said her father impatiently, "throw your doll on the bed and hurry or we shall be late."
"Daddy, how can you?" reproved the child. "I isn't' that kind of a muvver."
* * *
"You say you doted on your last mistress?"
"Yes, mum. I certainly did."
"Then why did you leave her?"
"We couldn't continue to be friends on my wages, mum."
* * *
"What's the matter with Smith? Got lumbago or spinal curvature or something?"
"No; he has to walk that way to fit some shirts his wife made for him."
* * *
"James, have you whispered to-day without permission?"
"Only wunst."
"Leroy, should James have said wunst?"
"No'm; he should have said twict."
* * *
"It appears to be your record, Mary," said the magistrate, "that you have already been convicted thirty-five times of stealing."
"I guess that's right, your honor," answered Mary. "No woman is perfect."
* * *
"That you, dearie? I'm detained at the office on very important business and I may not be home until late. Don't sit up for me."
"I won't, dearie. You'll come home as early as you can, won't you? And John, dear——"
"Yes; what is it?"
"Please don't draw to any inside straights."
* * *
The City Nephew: "I'm glad to see Aunt Hetty dresses her hair sensibly instead of wearing those silly puffs over the ears."
Uncle Talltimber: "She tried 'em once an' they got tangled up with the telephone receiver an' she missed more'n half the gossip goin' on over our twenty-party line."
* * *
"Ethel," said the bishop, "you seem to be a bright little girl; can you repeat a verse from the Bible?"
"I'll say I can."
"Well, my dear, let us have it."
"The Lord is my shepherd—I should worry."
* * *
Wishing to give his Scotch steward a treat a man invited him to London, and on the night after his arrival took him to a hotel to dine. During the early part of the dinner the steward was noticed to help himself very liberally to the champagne, glass after glass of the wine disappearing. Still he seemed very downhearted and morose. Presently he was heard to remark, "Well, I hope they'll not be very long wi' the whisky, as I dinna get on verra weel wi' these mineral waters."
Building the Paperclip Antenna – Very simple
Building the antenna is a seven-step process, as follows:
1. Prepare the antenna elements
2. Get the mounting platform ready
3. Create the driving element or dipole
4. Prepare the pigtail
5. Attach the pigtail to your new antenna
6. Secure the pigtail
7. Insert the last few elements into the antenna
Note that the rounded paperclip is the actual driven element of the antenna. That is, it’s the wire getting the radio signal from the wireless card. The other paperclips (pieces 1, 2, and 4) shape the beam to make it more directional.
Mississippi town Joke
Two negroes were working in a coal-bin in a Mississippi town, one down in the bin throwing out the coal and the other wielding a shovel. The one inside picked up a large lump and heaving it carelessly into the air, struck the other a resounding blow on the head.
As soon as the victim had recovered from his momentary daze he walked over to the edge of the bin and, peering down at his mate, said:
"Nigger, how come you don't watch where you throws dat coal? You done hit me smack on de haid."
The other one looked surprised.
"Did I hit you?"
"You sho' did," came the answer. "And I jes' wants to tell you, I've been promising the debil a man a long time, and you certainly does resemble my promise."
As soon as the victim had recovered from his momentary daze he walked over to the edge of the bin and, peering down at his mate, said:
"Nigger, how come you don't watch where you throws dat coal? You done hit me smack on de haid."
The other one looked surprised.
"Did I hit you?"
"You sho' did," came the answer. "And I jes' wants to tell you, I've been promising the debil a man a long time, and you certainly does resemble my promise."
Cheap Cable Testing
When a transmission problem arises in a Wi-Fi system, the first place to look is at the cables and connectors. Connectors generally take the most physical stress in a system, and also can be the first piece to break down while operating in poor conditions. The middle of the cable or the inside of an antenna is less likely to sustain damage if stressed when compared to the cable ends and connectors. This is where simple cable testing can be of great value to troubleshoot a system.To check for continuity and for shorts, use the ohm-meter function on a multimeter.Test the entire lengthof the cable through each connector.
1. Check for continuity from center pin to center pin. This should be a short or zero ohms.
2. Check from connector body to connector body. This should be a short or zero ohms.
3. Check from center pin to connector body. This should be open or infinite ohms.
Often when you’re testing a cable, it’s already installed on-site, which limits access to the cable
ends. To get around this, disconnect both ends of the cable and short the center pin to the connector body on one end only. Then measure resistance of the pin to the body on the other end. The resistance should still be zero ohms (or very close). For the unlimited budget, products like a time domain reflectometer (TDR), spectrum analyzer, RF Power meter, and network analyzer can be used to test entire transmission systems, including the cable. These usually cost several thousand dollars to buy and hundreds to rent. If the connector is presumed bad, replacing it is often much less costly than extensive testing. And very often, the only way to fix a bad connector is to replace it and start over.
Stabilization, Color Fixes, Cropping, and Rotating easy in iMovie ’09
Not every piece of video needs fancy effects. In fact, most video is probably better without a Dream filter and Picture-in-Picture. The unadulterated stuff straight from your camera usually looks best. In fact, if your footage needs any help at all, it’s probably in the cameraman department. Don’t take this personally. Handheld shots, the most common kind of home video, are notoriously unstable, and that’s an instant giveaway that you’re an amateur. You can have the hands of a surgeon and still end up with shaky footage. This is true even with all the newfangled image stabilization technology that comes in the latest cameras. Don’t give up (and don’t resort to carrying a tripod everywhere). iMovie ’09 can stabilize your video after the fact, using one of its most amazing new features. That’s not the only way iMovie can fix your footage, either. The Video Adjustments panel lets you make slight or gigantic changes to the brightness, contrast, white balance, saturation, and other image qualities of any clip. For example, if a shot looks too dark and murky, you can bring details out of the shadows without blowing out the highlights. If the snow in a skiing shot looks too bluish, you can de-blue it. If the colors don’t pop quite enough in the prize-winning soccer goal shot, you can boost their saturation levels.
Adjusting the photo Levels
If the mountains of your graph seem to cover all the territory from left to right, you already have a roughly even distribution of dark and light tones in your picture, so you’re probably in good shape. But if the graph comes up short on either the left (darks) or the right (lights) side of the histogram, you may want to make an adjustment. To do so, drag the right or left pointer on the Levels slider inward, toward the base of the mountain. If you’re moving the right indicator inward, for example, you’ll notice that the whites become brighter, but the dark areas stay pretty much the same. If you drag the left indicator inward, the dark tones change, but the highlights remain steady Once you’ve massaged the Exposure and Levels controls, the overall exposure for a clip usually looks pretty good. In effect, you’ve managed to create a full range of tones from dark to light.
Little Story Joke
Her side of the story:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was still acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no.
But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his flat, I said I loved him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything.
We finally get back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me!
So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then after about 10
minutes, he Joined me in bed and we had sex.
But he still seemed really distracted,so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep.
I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???
His side of the story:
Yankees lost. Tired. Bit drunk. Got laid though.
He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was still acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no.
But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his flat, I said I loved him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything.
We finally get back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me!
So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then after about 10
minutes, he Joined me in bed and we had sex.
But he still seemed really distracted,so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep.
I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???
His side of the story:
Yankees lost. Tired. Bit drunk. Got laid though.
Measuring Performance of Antenna - simple work
Step 1: Measuring the Distance to the Opening
As mentioned earlier, measuring the distance to the opening is critical to the operation and efficiency of the antenna. The old saying “measure twice and cut once” is also true here. But
instead, remember to “measure twice and drill once.” When you measure this distance, disregard the bottom lip of the can. This crimped edge of the can has no influence on the interior workings of the waveguide. You are only interested in the bottom material of the can, which becomes the back of your can antenna.
Step 2: Starting Small
There are several ways to get the hole for the N-Connector the right size. The method you use
is up to you. The final hole should be the diameter of the N-Connector stem.
In one method you can drill a small hole and work your way up to the desired hole size.
Another method, which is more time-consuming, is to use a nail to make the initial of the can. The can should stay completely round.
Step 3: Preparing for the Connector
There are different types of N-Connectors that you can use for this project. The type does not really matter. As you can see from Figure 3-8, our connector had four screw holes (one at each corner). The best way to ensure that the connector is installed properly is to insert it into the opening you created in Step 2, line it up, and mark out the holes for the four mounting screws. Once this is done, you can drill them with a drill of the same diameter as the mounting screws.
Step 4: Finishing the Hole
The final step in preparing the N-Connector hole is cleaning it. Using a small file, make sure that there are no edges or burrs around the openings. This will ensure a tight fit when the connector is inserted and connected to the coffee can.