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Short jokes

"Mary," said the mistress, "did you ask every one for cards to-day, as I told you, when they called?"

"Yes'm. One fellow he wouldn't give me no card, but I swiped his hat an' shoved him off th' steps. Here's his name on th' sweat band."

*         *         *

"He proposed to me last night, mother. What shall I do?"

"But, my dear daughter, you've only known him three weeks."

"I know that, mother, but on the other hand if I delay in accepting him he might find out some things about me he won't like, too."

*         *         *

"Would you marry a man to reform him?"

"What does he do?"

"He drinks."

"Marry him, girlie, and find out where he gets it. We need him badly in our set."

*         *         *

"I would like to have a globe of the earth."

"What size, madam?"

"Life-size, of course."

*         *         *

Wife: "George, is that you?"

George: "Why certainly! Who else you 'shpecting at this timernight?"

*         *         *

She (tenderly): "And are mine the only lips you have kissed?"

He: "Yes, and they are the sweetest of all."

*         *         *

Jazz: "My girl told me she weighed 120 the other night."

Beau: "Stripped?"

Jazz: "Yeh; she was in an evening gown."

*         *         *

Mrs. Newlywed (on her first day's shopping): "I[Pg 362] want two pieces of steak and—and about half a pint of gravy."

*         *         *

Farmer: "Would you like to buy a jug of cider?"

Tourist: "Well—er—is it ambitious and willing to work?"

*         *         *

Papa: "Why did you permit young Gaybird to kiss you in the parlor last night?"

Daughter: "Because I was afraid he'd catch cold in the hall."

*         *         *

"It was a case of love at first sight when I met Jack."

"Then why didn't you marry him?"

"I met him again so often."

*         *         *

Interviewer: "What sort of girls make the best show-girls?"

Stage Manager: "Those who have the most to show, of course."

*         *         *

She: "What do you mean by kissing me? What do you mean?"

He: "Er—er—nothing."

She: "Then don't you dare do it again. I won't have any man kissing me unless he means business, d'ye hear?"

*         *         *

Foreman: "'Ow is it that little feller always carries two planks to your one?"

Laborer: "'Cos 'e's too blinkin' lazy to go back fer the other one."

*         *         *

Lady (in box): "Can you look over my shoulders?"

Sailor: "I've just been looking over both of them, an' by gosh they are great."

*         *         *

"How times have changed!"


"Imagine Rosa Bonheur painting a flock of Ford tractors."

*         *         *

Sailor Bill: "These New York gals seem to be wearin' sort o' light canvas."

Sailor Dan: "Yes—you seldom see a full-rigged skirt, or anything."

*         *         *

Tramp: "Would you please 'elp a pore man whose wife is out o' work?"

*         *         *

"I 'ear your 'usband 'as turned Bolshie."

"Well, not absolootly; but 'e 'as a lenin' that way."