Short jokes

"Mary," said the mistress, "did you ask every one for cards to-day, as I told you, when they called?"

"Yes'm. One fellow he wouldn't give me no card, but I swiped his hat an' shoved him off th' steps. Here's his name on th' sweat band."


*         *         *

"He proposed to me last night, mother. What shall I do?"

"But, my dear daughter, you've only known him three weeks."

"I know that, mother, but on the other hand if I delay in accepting him he might find out some things about me he won't like, too."

*         *         *

"Would you marry a man to reform him?"

"What does he do?"

"He drinks."

"Marry him, girlie, and find out where he gets it. We need him badly in our set."

*         *         *

"I would like to have a globe of the earth."

"What size, madam?"

"Life-size, of course."

*         *         *

Wife: "George, is that you?"

George: "Why certainly! Who else you 'shpecting at this timernight?"

*         *         *

She (tenderly): "And are mine the only lips you have kissed?"

He: "Yes, and they are the sweetest of all."

*         *         *

Jazz: "My girl told me she weighed 120 the other night."

Beau: "Stripped?"

Jazz: "Yeh; she was in an evening gown."

*         *         *

Mrs. Newlywed (on her first day's shopping): "I[Pg 362] want two pieces of steak and—and about half a pint of gravy."

*         *         *

Farmer: "Would you like to buy a jug of cider?"

Tourist: "Well—er—is it ambitious and willing to work?"

*         *         *

Papa: "Why did you permit young Gaybird to kiss you in the parlor last night?"

Daughter: "Because I was afraid he'd catch cold in the hall."

*         *         *

"It was a case of love at first sight when I met Jack."

"Then why didn't you marry him?"

"I met him again so often."

*         *         *

Interviewer: "What sort of girls make the best show-girls?"

Stage Manager: "Those who have the most to show, of course."

*         *         *

She: "What do you mean by kissing me? What do you mean?"

He: "Er—er—nothing."

She: "Then don't you dare do it again. I won't have any man kissing me unless he means business, d'ye hear?"

*         *         *

Foreman: "'Ow is it that little feller always carries two planks to your one?"


Laborer: "'Cos 'e's too blinkin' lazy to go back fer the other one."

*         *         *

Lady (in box): "Can you look over my shoulders?"

Sailor: "I've just been looking over both of them, an' by gosh they are great."

*         *         *

"How times have changed!"

"Yes?"

"Imagine Rosa Bonheur painting a flock of Ford tractors."

*         *         *

Sailor Bill: "These New York gals seem to be wearin' sort o' light canvas."

Sailor Dan: "Yes—you seldom see a full-rigged skirt, or anything."

*         *         *

Tramp: "Would you please 'elp a pore man whose wife is out o' work?"

*         *         *

"I 'ear your 'usband 'as turned Bolshie."

"Well, not absolootly; but 'e 'as a lenin' that way."

2D animation tricks

My best ideas come to me early in the day, before I’ve actually gotten out of bed. That is when I’m in that non sleep world, but not entirely awake either. This twilight world is a perfect place for coming up with clear and original ideas. (Although, unless you write them down immediately, they don’t stay clear for long, and you usually forget them when you’re up and about!) I find that keeping an ideas book next to my bed can work well for these circumstances. You can just scrawl your thoughts down in a few words, keeping your eyes closed if you like, so that you get enough of the thoughts and impressions down before full consciousness eventually obliterates them. I use that technique for problem solving too. Sometimes I’ve worked and worried about a challenge all day, only to go to bed having not resolved it. However, almost miraculously, when going to bed with an expectation of the solution or idea being with me in the morning, it more often th

Stabilization, Color Fixes, Cropping, and Rotating easy in iMovie ’09

Not every piece of video needs fancy effects. In fact, most video is probably better without a Dream filter and Picture-in-Picture. The unadulterated stuff straight from your camera usually looks best. In fact, if your footage needs any help at all, it’s probably in the cameraman department. Don’t take this personally. Handheld shots, the most common kind of home video, are notoriously unstable, and that’s an instant giveaway that you’re an amateur. You can have the hands of a surgeon and still end up with shaky footage. This is true even with all the newfangled image stabilization technology that comes in the latest cameras. Don’t give up (and don’t resort to carrying a tripod everywhere). iMovie ’09 can stabilize your video after the fact, using one of its most amazing new features. That’s not the only way iMovie can fix your footage, either. The Video Adjustments panel lets you make slight or gigantic changes to the brightness, contrast, white balance, saturation, and other image qualities of any clip. For example, if a shot looks too dark and murky, you can bring details out of the shadows without blowing out the highlights. If the snow in a skiing shot looks too bluish, you can de-blue it. If the colors don’t pop quite enough in the prize-winning soccer goal shot, you can boost their saturation levels.

Creating Bootable Movie Images

After you have the video content you want to make into a bootable movie, you need to create an ISO image to later burn to a CD or DVD. You do that with the mkmovixiso command. Here’s an example: # mkmovixiso -t “2005 Vacation” -o movix_vacation.iso movie.avi Your iso image is now in “/home/user/movix/movix_vacation.iso You can safely delete temporary directory /tmp/movix-110602496 In this example, the video content is named movie.avi in the current directory. You can add as many AVI files as will fit on the medium (they will play one after the other, by default). The title (2005 Vacation in this case) is entered after the -t option and is used as the Volume ID tag on the image. The title must be less than 32 characters. The name of the ISO image file follows the -o option (in this case, movix_vacation.iso). The ISO image is created here using many default options. You can see a complete list of options by typing mkmovixiso -h.

Installing Linux and eMoviX Software

To build bootable movies from the descriptions in this chapter, you need to have a basic Linux system and the eMoviX software included on the Linux Toys II CD. The following bullet items describe what software to install to complete this procedure. Install Linux—To create bootable movies, I used Fedora Core 4 as my operating system. If you have Fedora Core 4 installed (as described in Appendix C), you can install the RPM packages made for this project. If you are trying the project from another Linux system, you should install the software for this project from tarballs. Both sets ofsoftware are included on the Linux Toys II CD.